Someone Reported My Family to CPS. It Feels Like Retaliation.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding, 

My 9-year-old son has a disorder, which has caused him to struggle mightily socially. This was a really hard year, but I think we are on the right track. Lately, he has been complaining about bullying by other kids. I am not naive—I know that he also sometimes bullies or picks on other children. But it’s easier for adults to believe that he’s the one doing it because he has a history of getting in a lot of trouble due to behavioral problems associated with his disorder. There are three kids we have heard about, and frankly, it sounds like the bullying is bi-directional.

Today we got contacted by Child Protective Services (CPS). The parents of one of his classmates, apparently one of the ones he has butted heads with a lot, said that we were providing “inadequate supervision.” There were lots of claims, some of which I could understand because they had some basis in fact, even if they weren’t true. For example, they said he had scratches on his arms and claimed he was torturing cats. My son did have scratches on his arms when we got a kitten because he was playing with him and would let the kitten bite and scratch him. Some of the claims were complete fabrications. They said that my son watches violent movies and plays violent video games. My son does not watch movies at all, and we rather strictly control video games. (I’m not sure he even knows the names of any violent video games unless you consider Minecraft violent.) They also said that we did not allow people to visit our child at our house. I do not know these people, so how would they know if we let people come to our house or not? I don’t think they know who we are, either!

Overall, it seems that this report was made maliciously and in retaliation for issues between the two boys. I wonder now if this is a parent who volunteers and is in the classroom with my son. (How would they know about the scratches? It seems odd that their kid would mention it.) I’m also concerned about who else this person is chatting with about my son, and whether my son may have figured out that his classmate’s parents reported us.

How do I deal with the school about this issue? Either the child lied to his parents and the parents believed him, or the parents fabricated lies that they told CPS. I really hope it was the former! The child would not know the consequences of their actions, and they are just a child. But I don’t want the person who made a false report to CPS around my son. I also worry that if my son figured out what happened, the feud between these two boys would get worse! I am currently thinking that the school needs to know about the false report, and I would like to ask them to keep this parent away from my son. I also think they should know that the conflict between the two boys may get worse and if possible, it would be better to simply keep them apart.

—Getting Reported Sucks

Dear Reported, 

I’m sorry you’re going through this. There are two ways to look at this situation. The charitable interpretation is that there is someone out there who was concerned for your son’s welfare and wanted to look out for him in the best way they knew how. It is also possible that the person who reported you is a mandated reporter (all teachers are, for example) and was thus legally and ethically bound to make the report. It’s unclear whether you know for a fact that a specific parent called in the report—or whether you’re just making informed guesses based on the information provided and want to figure out who did this. But at least in my state, the identity of a reporter isn’t released to the subject of the investigation and is kept strictly confidential. And that seems to be the norm across the board (with certain exceptions for folks who explicitly waive their right to confidentiality). I’m a mandated reporter and bullying and harming animals are two of the indicators we’re trained to look out for. We are also trained to report things we see or hear to the authorities and allow them to determine whether an investigation is warranted—the thinking is “when in doubt, report.” So, just because a report was made doesn’t necessarily mean any malice was intended, and thus I would be careful about trying to uncover who made the report and calling that person out for doing what they thought was right.

The other interpretation of these events is that someone is judging your child and you and wants to cause trouble. It seems like a lot of effort for a vendetta, but after a few years of writing this column, fewer things surprise me than before. If that is indeed the case, you wouldn’t be able to prove the identity of the reporter, anyway, so I doubt the school would take any action based on your suspicions of a confidential process. In fact, they might be reticent to do so because the process is supposed to be confidential.

What you could do, however, is focus on the current conflict between the kids. Share your concern that other parents might be biased in their interactions with your son and ask the school to either monitor things or secure additional room parents. Express that you think it would be best to keep these three kids and your son apart. If your son has an individualized educational plan (IEP), you could also discuss with the teacher or caseworker the need to have qualified certified personnel working with your child due to the complexities of their disorder and struggles this year.

As scared as you must have been, and as angry as I’m sure you still are, I think the prudent move is to do what you can to move on from here. Whoever made the report received a letter informing them of the investigation’s findings (again, at least in my own state) and has learned the report was unfounded. Hopefully, that is the end of it. You cannot control what other people think of you, but you can continue to advocate for your son, which you’re clearly doing. I would focus your efforts there.

If your son does start to piece together what happened, use the conversation to remind him about the importance of not falling into bullying or antagonizing behavior, and asking adults for help when you need it (an unsatisfying piece of advice, I grant you). You might also take the optimistic viewpoint with him that, as uncomfortable as this was for your family, the system exists to protect kids. And while your son is safe, loved, and cared for, not all kids are that lucky. So if someone had to come to your house to check on you, maybe that’s OK, because the next house they check on might have a kid inside who needs them.

Dear Care and Feeding, 

My husband and I are both full-time working parents and our kids (6 and 3-and-a-half) are in full-time school/after-school and daycare. In addition, I have been in cancer treatment for the past 16 months. They usually watch 30 to 45 minutes of TV while we make dinner in the evenings, and then more like two to three hours on the weekends. While it’s a bit more than I’d like, I’m not hugely worked up about the actual quantity.

The issue is how the younger one behaves: She whines frequently for TV, complains of being “bored,” and doesn’t seem to have the same ability to play by herself that her older sister did at her age, although the two of them settle into imaginative play together pretty well. I can’t decide whether this is indicative of a larger problem and means we should cut off screen time altogether, or whether simply saying no when she whines for more is sufficient. My husband is not concerned and it’s true that 3-and-a-half is a generally whiny age, and her daycare teachers say she’s doing great there. But my anxiety tells me this is a burgeoning addiction and we need to nip it in the bud.

—Ban or Boundaries

Dear Ban, 

I’m with your husband on this one. Transitions are really hard for kids at that age, and they don’t have a lot of emotional regulation tools yet. What you’re seeing is likely a result of this developmental stage and not a specific cause for alarm. You’re taking away a really attractive thing and she is peeved about it! Most kids I know grow out of this reaction to screens around age 5. That said, there might be patterns to her moodiness. One parent I know noticed that her kindergartener could handle 30 minutes of screens early in the afternoon, but had a full meltdown if it was one hour, or if she had screens closer to bedtime. Your daughter’s reactions might have similar variability. The types of programs she’s engaging with might matter, too.

At this stage, I’d focus your efforts on how you transition your child off of screens. Do you give her 10, five, and/or one-minute warnings before the TV goes off, or is it cold turkey? Do you allow her to finish the episode or level? Do you ask her to click the remote and shut it off herself or do you? These simple steps can allow her a smidge more control, which toddlers crave, while still keeping to your limits. I’d also validate her sadness but don’t play into the sulking. If she is clomping around claiming boredom after the screen comes off, answer with a simple, “That sounds hard,” or “I’m sure you’ll figure something out.” If she realizes you aren’t going to cave, she’ll give up the goat easier.

It’s also common for some kids to struggle with self-directed solo play, so you might need to help her find her way there. Do you have enough independent toys that interest her? Would she respond well if you gave her choices or ideas she could pick from? I know one mom who put all the self-guided activities in a jar and her kid could choose one at random (or two or three, etc., if he didn’t like what he pulled). Obviously, books are a great option for solo entertainment, but knowing your daughter likely isn’t reading yet, you might consider toys that bridge toward books. My younger child really enjoyed the LeapStart (think electronic activity books) and electronic reader sets like the Me Reader. My kids and I are also obsessed with audiobook players like the Tonie and the Yoto. When we bring these on long car trips and plane rides, they never whine about the tablet. Be watchful but don’t panic. My guess is that you are in a phase that will pass soon enough.

Catch Up on Care and Feeding

Dear Care and Feeding, 

I’m 17 years old. Two years ago when I was babysitting a lot for my niece (who’s now 7), I noticed odd things in her behavior that made me think she needed glasses. I brought it up to my brother and his wife, but they dismissed me, saying that the school and the doctors do eye tests, and they would have noticed something. My brother was really mean about it too; he called me an idiot and a busybody, and basically said I was too young to understand how the world works.

A few months ago, they took her to the eye doctor after she was complaining about headaches and it turns out that she did need them. Within a few months, she went from barely being able to read to being a kid who reads for fun. Plus, she’s doing a lot better in school. I think my brother should apologize for the things he said because it’s now proven that I’m right. But also, I don’t know if I should push for it. My parents don’t think I should, but they also took his side two years ago (they agreed with him but thought he shouldn’t have been so mean).

—Babysitter Was Right

Dear Babysitter, 

Your brother is an adult who should obviously know better than to name-call his teenaged sister. And right now, he either has forgotten about the whole interaction or remembers and is too embarrassed to admit to being wrong.

You could call him on it, and say, “You know when I raised this issue years ago, you were pretty mean to me. I don’t need you to tell me I was right, but I would appreciate an apology.” But is it going to give you what you want? Is he likely to apologize (and mean it) or will he just snark at you for raising a two-year-old issue that you’re still upset about?

I would want vindication if I were in your shoes, too, but from what little you’ve told me, I’m skeptical you’ll get it. I would just tuck this away in the back of your mind. The next time you mention something you notice about your niece and are dismissed by him, you have my permission to say something along the lines of, “Fine, if you want to ignore me about this like you ignored my obviously correct instincts about her eyesight, feel free.” I might be an advice columnist, but I’m not above a little self-righteousness now and then.

—Allison

More Advice From Slate

My daughter is in the third grade. Recently, she’s been going on and on about how she doesn’t fit in with other kids. I’m confused. She cites various reasons like having green eyes, and being short as why she’s different. None of these make sense—she’s far from the shortest in her class and I highly doubt that kids are walking around checking each other’s eye color.