'My husband wants us to move to be closer to his son. AITA for not wanting this?' UPDATED

Hi everyone. I'm really hoping to get some help here because everything is coming to a head and I don't know what will happen next. I'm panicking a little and could really use some help.

DH and I have been married for two years. I'm currently twelve weeks pregnant with out first child together. DH was previously married to BM (Baby Mama) and they have one son together. DH and BM lived in San Francisco while they were married but once they separated he moved back to the east coast where he's from and where we both live now.

It's important to say here that the split was nasty because he cheated on her (not with me) and she caught him. When he left they didn't know that she was pregnant yet but they had been trying. DH was obviously at fault for this and he has owned how destructive he was back then, and how he ruined his marriage.

I think she still hates him though which is why she doesn't offer to accommodate him more, but what can he do? SS is now 6 years old. DH has daily calls and Skype sessions to keep up with his son. He also flies to see him once a month during the year then his son spends part of the summer with us, as well as either Thanksgiving or Christmas during the year.

The problem is that DH now wants to move back to SF to be closer to his son. I don't think that this is a good idea. The Bay Area is ridiculously expensive and while BM can easily afford to live there (She owns a house in SF. A house! In the city!), we cannot. She makes far more than both our salaries combined. With a baby on the way there's just no way we could afford the move or even to own a home there.

The second problem is again, with a baby on the way and our expenses set to increase, it's going to be more and more of a financial burden on us for DH to fly to see his son every month. He has to pay for the flights and for a hotel every time he goes out there.

I want to suggest that this isn't necessary but between me not wanting to move and this, I feel like I'm asking him to pick our family over his son. I'm not really, but I guess that I am? I have to think about what we can provide for our child and I don't think it's fair that we put ourselves in an untenable financial situation to facilitate this move.

How do I approach my husband about this without him resenting me for it? Does anyone have suggestions for this kind of bicoastal relationship? As it is I feel like a virtual stranger to my SS because he doesn't spend much time with me so I don't really know him and vice versa.

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

[deleted] said:

I was with you about not moving until you mentioned that he'd have to stop flying over there monthly too. Why didn't you talk about that before the new pregnancy you apparently cannot afford? I don't think it's right for him to ask you to move. It's not your fault he was an absentee parent.

But I also don't think it's fair to ask him to stop visiting his kid monthly. Summer and break is not enough time for visits and frankly, as a former step kid and current stepparent.. breaks are about as good as nothing.

First of all, don't feel guilty for the results of the decisions he made. Once he found out she was pregnant or the baby was born, he could have moved back to the Bay Area in order to live in close proximity to his son and share custody. He decided not to and that's the decision that has created this whole issue. That is 100% on him.

Second, you say she doesn't accommodate him, but she is allowing daily phone calls and Skype sessions, visits every month, partial summers with you two, and Thanksgiving or Christmas. For a long-distance custody situation, that's all pretty normal. About what one would expect.

I assume she is pissy about the details, and that's why you suspect she hates him, but it doesn't sound like she has put up any major obstacles to him seeing his son. Third, I think your financial concerns about living in the Bay Area are valid. Is there a compromise? Maybe some other more affordable part of California?

Fourth, I urge you not to try to stop the monthly visits. I think regularly seeing each other is probably really important to their relationship as it is really hard to maintain any kind of real connection based on just seeing each other over the summer and at Christmas or Thanksgiving. I think you did marry into that travel expense.

While you may stay married to him forever, it's important to understand what could happen in the event of a divorce. IF you move to CA and you/he files for divorce, You will most likely be stuck there until kiddo is 18. Most courts will not allow you to "move back home" with the child. Proceed with caution.

And [deleted] said:

If he was on the East coast when you met and married him and custody was set up the same, there was no reason to assume things would change when she got pregnant. Sounds like he might feel guilty and that is motivating the move. I personally wouldn't agree to move across the country, potentially away from family and friends, my job , and my entire life.

Two weeks later, she shared this update:

Hi everyone. I posted a couple of weeks ago about my situation and wanted to give an update. I definitely read everyone's comments and wanted to respond but just thought I'd go ahead and make a new post as it had been some time.

As quite a number of people suspected, my husband's attitude does stem from a certain amount of guilt at not being there. There also a bit of resentment and anger. Apparently BM has been engaged to someone for quite some time and his son has taken to calling the guy "Papa B____" because they've been living together -

BM didn't share any of this with us until my husband asked her directly who the guy was that his son had been talking about. The guy has been playing an active role in my SS's life and I guess my husband feels usurped. We've never met him (obviously) and my husband doesn't even know who he is. I understand his pain at this, but how did he envision this scenario playing out?

Did he think that BM would have stayed single forever and there would never be another man in his son's life? I have laid out my case against the move including the fact that all our family is here.

He's been sullen and despondent over the past couple of weeks which is not exactly the mood I thought I'd be dealing with throughout my pregnancy. I don't know if he's heard my concerns or if he's still mulling the move, but right now we're just at an impasse.

OP's comments also paint a bigger picture of what is up with her husband:

Commenter: Did you also tell him that he couldn't visit his kid as often (or at all?) anymore? I think this answer is important before proceeding with any type of dialogue?

OP: I didn't. He can keep his schedule but I don't think it's wise to move.

Commenter: Have you asked how he envisions the money part working out? When he visits, what is the time like? Does he participate in his son's normal activities, etc.

OP: He keeps saying that it'll work out but that's not how money works. We do not make half as much as BM. We do not own a home in the Bay Area. It's going to put us in debt to make this cross country move for his ego.

I've rarely gone on a visit with him so I don't know how they typically go, but the times I've gone, he picks his son up and we go have a fun day then he takes him back to his mom's because she won't let SS stay overnight in a hotel, and she won't let DH sleep in her guest room.

Commenter: She has no obligation to him at all for housing purposes. Also, depending on where you live, twice as much salary in SF is likely not twice as much spending power. Does your H provide child support or has she not tried to collect? Cause like you said SF is $$$$

OP: He pays $800/month in child support. To compare, SS's private school tuition alone is $16K/year. We don't even contribute to a quarter of SS's expenses and his mother doesn't ask us too because I think we'd fight her on that particular decision tbh. He sees him both days and flies home on Sunday evenings.

Could you clarify for me what you mean by the kid's normal activities? He's a once a month dad right now. There's only so much normal.

Commenter: Is this the first time he's talked about moving closer?

OP: It is the first time he's brought up moving. I get the urge to be closer but we cannot afford to live in the Bay Area now, how do we do that with an additional child.