Man refuses to be with during childbirth or sign birth certificate without proof of paternity, citing affair history. AITA?

Miserable-Street-777

My ( M44) wife Cynthia ( F41) and I have been married for almost 15 years. I raised her older children as my own. We have 2 kids together and one that she just gave birth to, but I won't sign the birth certificate until I get a DNA test.

Back in 2014, we had a huge crisis due to her infidelity. Her AP was her supervisor, and I only found out when she was abruptly fired and the company filed a case against her for allegations that I won't discuss here. Her supervisor was a co-defendant.

She had to come clean about the whole thing, including having had an affair that lasted 2 years. I completely lost all trust in her. I requested paternity tests on our kids together (they are mine), got a lawyer, and moved out.

I eventually forgave her and tried to move on because the pain of breaking up our family and not seeing the kids every day was unbearable. We had a very good run until now. Our relationship felt stronger. The intimacy was great, I felt like she was the woman that I fell in love with and was very happy that I gave us another chance.

Years ago, her best friend Danna ( F42) cut her off. They were friends since grade school, but Danna abruptly ended the friendship, changed her number, and even blocked me and our older kids everywhere. Cynthia expressed sadness about it for years and often talked about Danna like a true sister.

When my wife got pregnant ( with this last baby), she got very depressed about everything. Danna was our go-to person in case of emergency, so I thought maybe some type of closure would help. I managed to get Danna’s contact information from a friend in common and asked if she would be willing to talk. To my surprise, she was interested.

The conversation wasn't what I expected. She called me a flying monkey and said I ought to be ashamed for enabling my wife. She said she was absolutely fed up with Cynthia and that she abandoned the friendship because she got tired of feeling like a tool, always having to do favors and being generally at my wife's service.

She said she was unable to share anything because my wife only talked about herself and that my wife failed to even thank her for gifts and other things, but kept raising the bar and asking for more and more stuff from her. Danna mentioned having attempted a slow fade, but my best friend Gary ( M48) stepped in, and it put her off tremendously.

I didn't know this. I didn't know that Gary was sent by my wife to talk Danna out of restricting their time together when her best friend became distant and that he pressured her and tried to force her to contact Cynthia, and that this resulted in a complaint against him because his messages became menacing and he hinted at sending her Spyware.

I know Gary can be intense but never like this. He works in IT, so the spyware part is not entirely impossible. Danna and Gary never had any contact prior to this. Danna cut everyone off out of distrust and because she did pursue a complaint against him with the authorities.

She sent me evidence, the court case number, and receipts. I'm hurt because not only did he get in trouble for trying to help my wife, but he actually got into a serious situation, and it was kept a secret from me.

I confronted him, and he said that he was just trying to help. I confronted my wife, and she said she was desperate because Danna had always been her main support system. This did it for me.

I don't care how many times my wife says nothing else was going on, I have no way to erase the idea that they might be hiding other things. The fact that Cynthia managed to get Gary to do something that he knows is illegal and that he went too far trying to please her makes me wonder about things.

Also, during our entire conversation, Danna insisted that Cynthia is a blackhole of a person and that she was disgusted that not only my wife had been using her for years, but would not think anything of engaging third parties to enable herself to keep extracting benefits for whoever she wants.

To make matters worse, I asked if she knew that my wife had cheated, and she said yes and that it played a part in her disowning her. I will not even be able to go back to talking with Danna because she made it clear that she wants nothing further.

Back in the day, I thought Gary looked off, but when I asked, he said it was about him separating from his ex and that he was bummed out. I talked to Cynthia about it. I told her that I reached out to Danna and what she said. She looked horrified.

We went over that for days until I couldn't take it anymore and asked if she and Gary had any time of inappropriate involvement. She reacted, angry, and seemed very offended. Also, now I feel that maybe her depression over Danna wasn't real. Maybe she wanted to use that so that I could accommodate her with whatever she wanted. I requested a paternity test on the baby, and she flat out said no.

She threatened to divorce me. This is why I moved out weeks before she gave birth. I refused to drive her to the hospital or be at the birthing room. All I'm asking is for confirmation that it's my child and she isn't acting cooperative.

She tried to deny Danna's complaint to the authorities, despite me offering evidence. Gary has apologized for keeping secrets, but he's denying ever sleeping with her. I'm anxious, but sometimes, I get very numb and wonder if I'm being crazy.

I understand that Danna was very right to act the way that she did, but I have no evidence of cheating or an affair between Cynthia and Gary. This has affected my health, and sometimes I feel that the less I see or hear from Cynthia, the less chances to get an anxiety or panic attack.

Obviously, my family knows that we are separated and are showing divided opinions. Some say that I was impulsive and that I'm jumping to conclusions (they didn't know about her cheating years ago). I'm not meeting the new baby until she can prove my paternity. She's having health issues related to post birth.

I'm present for my kids and haven't skipped on my duties, but told her to either have a relative come help her out or move to their place temporarily because I will not be helping her in any way until this is resolved. She says that I'm being abusive and that being alone in the maternity ward was humiliating. AITA?

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:

shyfidelity

Your marriage is over, dude. Get a divorce.

trvllvr

Seriously! Just end it. Speak to a lawyer asap, have them file an request for a dna test. She doesn’t have to agree if a court is involved. Figure out what you want in regard to custody and support agreement.

Include how decisions are made for the kids (medical, school, etc). Also how new partners will and at what level be involved with the kids, because even in the best coparenting, new partners can try to control it and muck it up.

ETA: yes, I know he can do a dna kit himself. The reason I said to get the court order is because he refuses to see the child prior to proof they are his. Can’t really swab a cheek if he won’t see the child in person.

saintandvillian

Even if the baby is yours you need to get therapy and divorce your wife. Your wife seems like a terrible person and Danna was right when she called you an enabler.

Lotsa_catz

NTA. Your marriage is over, regardless if the baby is yours or not. She is a lying, manipulative, untrustworthy person. Get divorced. Get rid of Gary too.

mustang19671967

Go see a lawyer and file for divorce, that way she might come clean because you showed you were weak before and she doesn’t respect you. Also even if they are not yours, you might need to support the kid. Don’t do anything without seeing a lawyer and I would say female Pitbull. This is why we who have been cheated and left right away try to tell People to leave.

So, what do you think about this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?