'I own the house we live in and he pays me a small amount of rent every month to help cover my mortgage and utilities'
Dear Quentin,
My partner and I are in our mid-40s and have been together for nearly 10 years. We are not married and don't share bank accounts, and this has worked out for us as we are both very independent people and with stable jobs. I own the house we live in, and he pays me a small amount of rent every month to help cover my mortgage and utilities; plus, we both contribute to groceries. I have two kids (not his) who are 13 and 16, but he does not contribute to them financially, and nor have I ever asked him to do so.
About a year ago, I asked my partner if he wanted to go to a lawyer to draw up estate plans for the house and our assets in case something happened to either one of us. His response was very dismissive. He said: "What for? I have no property, just my bank and retirement accounts and my parents have power of attorney over those accounts." His parents are both 77 and have been retired for over a decade. They are financially stable and own their own home. His dad has just been diagnosed with Parkinson's disease.
Quentin, I am at a loss here because not only does it hurt that he didn't even think about giving me power of attorney or at least co-POA, and it doesn't make any financial sense, either. If his dad gets placed in a nursing home, which is very likely to happen, he will be subject to the spend-down before Medicaid steps in. It seems like my partner would just be giving his money to the government. Not only that, but my partner has stated on multiple occasions that his mother is terrible with finances and neither he nor his dad trusts her with large sums of money.
Emotions aside, am I wrong to think this is a very bad financial plan?
Confused
Related: 'Don't be naïve': I have a wake-up call for divorcing women - you've been giving up too much for too long. Am I wrong?
Dear Confused,
If neither of you has named the other as a POA or beneficiary, it could be an issue of timing rather than priorities.
You have a choice: (i) Live in the uncertainty of not having an answer as to why he would choose to give his parents durable power of attorney and, I presume, to make them his beneficiaries or (ii) ask him why he did not think of give you power of attorney and making you his beneficiary. The only reason for not asking a big question - of your partner, child, doctor or lawyer - is because you don't want to hear the answer. So underlying your choice is a predicament: Would you rather find out the answer or live in the uncertainty of perhaps never knowing?
Sometimes, important conversations need to happen in another place that's not at home: over lunch or dinner in a cafe or bar - neutral ground. You could start by saying, "May I ask you something?" You are opening the door to an awkward conversation, but one that will probably make you feel better afterward, whether or not you get the answer you want. What are you most afraid of? The worst answer is that he does not see a future in the relationship or simply doesn't think POAs or beneficiaries are that important.
Medicaid eligibility
Assuming his parents qualify for Medicaid, he might think that you have everything you need: a roof over your head and a solid retirement ahead of you. He may not feel so secure about his parents - and I can understand that he may wish them to oversee his financial affairs if he were to predecease them. And while there is a five-year look-back rule for Medicaid eligibility, he could also set up a Medicaid Asset Protection Trust, an irrevocable income-only trust, which can protect the assets of the Medicaid applicant, as long as this is done before the look-back period.
Putting the financial aspect of your question aside, you could also tell him: "My feelings were hurt." You're not telling him that he has done a bad thing, as you are only speaking about yourself. He could say that he does not believe he needs to name you as his beneficiary or grant you durable POA to prove that he believes your relationship is a long-term commitment. You've been living with the uncertainty of what this means for a year. It's not fair to your partner or to yourself to allow this to fester. He is probably completely unaware that this is eating away at you.
Your story reminds me of another letter I received from a reader, a second wife, whose husband said that, if his son predeceases him, the house would go to his daughter-in-law. He did, however, offer to give her a life estate in the home. When she expressed her surprise, he accused her of being "jealous" of his daughter-in-law. Your partner did not say anything deliberately hurtful. It may be that he is merely following your precedent of keeping your finances separate. He could, for example, wonder why you didn't put him on the deed to your home. But why would you? You're not married and have earned your independence.
We attach so much baggage to financial conversations. Try to keep an open mind. Couples can keep finances separate and still have long, happy relationships.
Related: My sisters want to hide $170,000 of our mother's money from Medicaid by adding their names to her bank account. What should I do?
You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com, and follow Quentin Fottrell on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter.
The Moneyist regrets he cannot reply to questions individually.
More columns from Quentin Fottrell:
'Their house was purchased with my family money': My late father left a life estate to his second wife. She's only 10 years older than me.
'I am now an empty nester': I encouraged my two adult sons to move out. I was anxious and scared - now my heart is full
My mother-in-law stole $25,000 from my husband. We donated to charity rather than give her a birthday gift - and she cried foul.
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-Quentin Fottrell
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