"AITAH for calling my dad’s wife illiterate because I suspect that she is?"
My (26F) dad (50M) has been with his partner Ann (55F) for about 15 years. She had a really sad and rough upbringing (dr-g addict parents, foster care, didn’t graduate HS) and we’ve never really gotten along.
My dad recently had a back injury and told me that he was on paid medical leave for month. But I learned from my grandma that he actually only took 2 weeks off using his remaining sick days and PTO.
He went back to work once that time ran out despite the fact that he was still having severe back pain. I went to visit him right after my grandma told me and confronted him about lying to which he said he didn’t tell us because Ann was handling it/ working on his FMLA paperwork.
As we were talking, she came out and told me to leave it alone and said something like “you’re not the only one who knows how to do this stuff, I promise I’ve been filling out forms since before you were born." It’s a known suspicion on my dad’s side of the family that she’s functionally illiterate, but no one ever talks about it when he’s around.
Her FB posts and texts never make sense and read like they’re being spelled out by someone who is learning how to sound out letters. For instance, “our” is always spelled “are”, “great” is “grat”, etc. I’ve seen that she pretty much exclusively uses the voice typing feature, and has Siri read all her texts.
When he was a teenager, my brother got in huge trouble with our grandma because one year on Ann’s birthday our dad got her a card and my brother asked her to read it out loud so she understandably called him an AH. We’re not close so I obviously don’t know whether she’s actually illiterate.
I checked in with them yesterday, two weeks after Ann told me to leave it alone, and asked how the FMLA paperwork was going. He said that he’s feeling better so he’s just going to keep working. But he was walking fully hunched over last time I saw him. I asked my dad to put Ann on the phone so that she could tell me what was going on.
Ann said that this wasn’t my business but if we were really concerned we would just give him money to support them so he can stay home. I honestly blew up after that and said “it should not take you a month to fill out a few forms. You know you’re fucking illiterate so let me just do the paperwork."
They hung up after that and my dad hasn’t talked to me since. I feel bad for using her struggles as an insult because I know that it’s probably a huge insecurity, but the fact that she’s not taking this seriously is blood boiling. I feel like the bluntness was warranted but I still feel bad. AITAH?
TLDR: I called my dad’s partner illiterate because she won’t let me help fill out his FMLA forms following a back injury.
The internet had a lot of thoughts about the scenario.
happybanana134 wrote:
YTA. I don't see why your dad can't fill out his own forms tbh, or why the two of you seem to believe it's Ann's responsibility to do this for him. If he'd rather work than sit down and fill out a form, that's his choice to make. If you suspect Ann needs help, you can easily offer help without insulting her.
ToughS--t89 wrote:
Wait lemme get this straight. YOUR dad needs FMLA paperwork completed for HIS job for HIS injury. YOUR dad is not functionally illiterate, because otherwise you would have said so, and is able to complete the forms on his own, likely much easier than Ann if she actually IS illiterate.
But YOUR dad is not completing HIS forms because HE “doesn’t want to” handle HIS own adult responsibilities. But somehow, this is Ann’s fault? Did I get that right?
Timely_Fix_2930 wrote:
Are you under the impression that FMLA will let your dad take paid leave if he does not have any paid leave remaining? Because it does not do that. If he needs to go back to work because he needs the money, then that's what he is going to do. FMLA would prevent them from firing him while he was gone, it doesn't make them pay him.
If he has already used up his sick days and he needs to go to work for the sake of income, what do you want FMLA to do here?
(Edit: Yes, this depends on the company and state, but it does not appear to be paying in this situation based on what OP is saying.)
OP responded:
No not at all — he’s used up his sick time and PTO so FMLA would prevent him from getting fired if he misses any more work. It’d be unpaid but at least he would still have a job.
EmilyAnne1170 wrote:
Your dad can work, but he can’t fill out his own forms? Is he illiterate too? Or- he could, but he just hasn’t bothered. If he’s the one in pain, they’re his forms, regarding his job, for his employer, he’s the one who should be taking it the most seriously. it’s not Ann’s fault that he isn’t, and she’s right that it‘s none of your business. YTA for insulting her.
blueswan6 wrote:
YTA it sounds like you and your brother have always been trying to catch Ann out. It is possible that she can't read well, it's also possible that she has undiagnosed dyslexia. Regardless, you and your brother seem to have never handled this well and with kindness or else she may have opened up to you by now.
You should have just spoken privately with your father and asked if he'd like you to fill out the paperwork. If he declined you should have just left it at that. Your dad isn't a little kid and he's capable of asking for help. You overreacted.
Pocked_Pixie3 wrote:
My cousin was extremely dyslexic. Like, could barely read and write. She used the early Speech to Text. My mother in law is also very dyslexic and does the same. YTA. It's because of shame and you guys talking shiz about her that she doesn't ask for help. Like, for f-ks sake dude, she is trying. Your dad should step up and be a man and do his own paperwork. He's the one you should be mad at.